I know this may sound selfish, but I wish only to experience what others in my family & friends have in their own lives. Having a significant other. Somebody to talk to, have clean fun times with like watching or going to movies & concerts with them, to hold hands with them, to be intimate with them. Someone I can feel comfortable with when wearing my adult diapers. No, I'm not into the whole "adult baby" thing, but I am into the whole being intimate with a woman, having pretty much zero sexual intercourse with her because I know what is the result afterward. Is it really that much to ask in life?
Picture this, a disabled boy with blindness in one of his eyes meets a young lady that periodically helps him cope with the daily struggles of battling bullies at school, but she has no clue that he struggles with bullies at home as well. From his (now late) father, and his older brother. And to some extent his own mother saying to him "You shouldn't be bedwetting at 10 years old. I have a 4 yr old niece who is potty trained, and DOESN'T wet the bed at all! Ever!"
She also says to her 10 yr old son, "You're the only child at your age who is still wetting the bed!" It wouldn't be until many years, decades later that he would find out the truth. That not only did she lie to him about being the only child who bedwets at 10 years old, but that there are potentially millions of kids who later became adults that had bedwetting problems way into their teens. She was essentially trying to bully him, even emotionally abuse him as though he was the only child ever to have the problems he had. Bedwetting, behavior issues including possible mental health problems, being "disrespectful" to his parents (despite the fact that EVERY child in existence does this at some point), etc!
At 12 years old, after a summer in which he nearly committed suicide as a result of being harassed both at school and at home, he would meet a very lovely young lady. For her protection, we'll use the name "Janette". He wasn't particularly fond of Janette at first. It took most of the school year for him to become friends with her, and when he found out that he could trust her, he fell in love with her.
Before I continue, a couple of things I'd like to point out. One, he met another young girl in his 3rd grade class that he also had feelings for. They exchanged drawings of each other, including one in which they held hands. This young boy would inevitably lose those pictures due to having to move away with his family, and he would never see her again. Just like any other of his friends that he connected with, only to be taken away from them, and never see them again. The boy would learn not to get any sort of feelings for anyone, and Janette would be another in a long line of female friends that this young boy would try to connect with, but never make the leap to finding out if the female friends "Like Like"'d him back. In fact, he would inevitably miss an important milestone in a young boy's life that gets him onto the cusp of manhood.
When this boy decided he liked this girl, he wanted so much to tell her, but he couldn't. She was quite popular, and he was rather unpopular at best. There came a day when the boy got socked in the gut by a classmate as part of a "game" that instantly got out of hand, and in plain view of an adult playground "monitor"! He had swore curses & was cussing out everyone within earshot when he finally got his literal second wind.
He ran to the fence near his 6th grade classroom where he curled up in a ball, and cried hoping for someone to take him away to someplace he would be safe from bullies at school, and the bullies at home. A place where he wouldn't be harmed ever again.
No such thing happened as his classmates went on inside after the recess bell had rung. He only could watch their feet marching in. Some of the shoes on their feet he recognized, but he didn't care to look up at anyone. He felt angry, ashamed, harassed, assaulted, even violated.
Some time after the bell, the young girl he had developed feelings for had come out to join him. Whether this was on her own, or at the request of their mutual 6th grade teacher/instructor at their Costa Mesa elementary school, he didn't know. But he was glad it was her. After talking with her for close to a half hour, he felt better, and soon a few other classmates joined in, and instantly this boy felt a lot better.
When he did go in, his instructor (we'll call her "Mrs. Lebben"), advised him to give her a letter he'd written to point out the frustration he felt, and how it was making him feel angry all the time. She wanted him to leave the class while she read it aloud. The boy did so, but after a little while, he became anxious about it. So, he returned, but at the tail end when the class was discussing why Janette was the one the boy turned to for help. Mrs. Lebben explained that the boy felt more comfortable around Janette, and felt he could trust her.
Little did anyone know that the boy felt extreme shame when they mentioned her being the one he turned to.
Later, the class would take a trip to San Diego to go to Sea World. At their arrival, Janette offered to take the boy with herself & several other girls to "protect" him. He gladly went with them, but made it a point not to try to touch Janette out of fear she'd reject him. He wanted to, but every time he'd work up the nerve to ask her if it would be okay if he held hands with her, one of the chaperones would come into view, and he felt instantly ashamed for wanting to ask her to hold hands with him.
When they were to leave via Amtrak train, the entire class was offered a meal of their choice for the 2 hour ride home. The boy in this story chose his favorite. Pizza! And it was from his favorite chain, Pizza Hut.
When they all were getting settled in, the boy tried asking the young lady Janette if she would care to sit next to him. She politely declined, but he was still wanting to give her a small gift to show he appreciated her help during his difficult year in 6th grade, and that he also had developed feelings for her.
Let me back up a ways. This young boy never got "the talk". No, not about sex. He got the standard California required sex ed class during that year. He knew the mechanics of the whole process of sex, but what he lacked was an understanding of how to have a social life with boys his age as well as having social skills with girls/women. The only education he got about girls/women came from his female cousins whom he preferred to hang out with versus his older brother and/or his male cousins of the family, whom were also both bullies & highly abusive to the boy who had blindness & other disabilities that went undiagnosed for a long period of time!
So, when it came to talking to both this young girl in 6th grade, and the one in 3rd grade, he had no frame of reference. His mother kept reiterating "You're just like your dad!", and had meant in a bad / negative way!
After this great trip to Sea World, their class came to an end on June 15th, 1992. That same evening, after the formal "graduation ceremony", the classmates were all invited to an informal party at a mutual classmate's home. It was there this boy got his chance to have a dance with "her", with Janette.
He wanted that feeling to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, a rather large fellow classmate felt the need to pull the male classmates hands down to their female counterpart dance mate's butt. The boy was highly annoyed at this, and the young woman was also highly irritated, but she didn't blame this young boy who was blind that was dancing with her.
He never forgot that night. Nor did he forget her. In fact, for many years afterward, he would try to get his family to go back to California, so that he could further develop that friendship into something more romantic & intimate. He never got the chance to do that. As a consolation prize, he did get to see her again in person one last time on July 20th, 1994.
Again, he would have given anything, even his father's and/or brother's both testicles, to have that meeting with Janette to last longer than an hour. And it was just like his mother to have inconvenient timing to arrive shortly before the end of that hour with Janette. Especially when the boy was ready to ask two things of her as his mother showed up. One was to ask her for a kiss. The other was to "punish" him for having been in a couple of fights that he swore never to do again as part of his unspoken promise to Janette.
Once again, he never got a chance to ask for either of those. To be honest, the 2nd favor he wouldn't have asked unless he felt comfortable in asking it. Ideally, he would have liked to have stayed longer in California for him & Janette to have a get-together with mutual friends, and maybe then open up to her finally. He felt ashamed he had these feelings for her, but couldn't act on them even if he wanted to. It was mostly because he was afraid to anger her, but it was also because nobody in his family told him how to interact with girls/women.
Fast forward almost 30 years, and not much has changed. The boy who had blindness and other disabilities still has not yet found a way to be a "ladies man". He still doesn't know how to properly court a woman's feelings. However, he also doesn't want anyone having pity for him either. What he wants is simple. To have a young woman who 1) not only doesn't mind that he wears adult diapers for both pleasure & for need, but also likes & needs to wear them herself, 2) will help him when he isn't feeling well, but also wants him to help her with the same, 3) can help him stand up to his mother, the maternal bully who doesn't seem to want him to have girlfriends, except the ones she approves, and also 4) will keep him on track with his life, i.e. his music lessons on guitar & piano, his foreign language lessons, his writing, and all else that he likes to do to encourage his creative side.
Nobody likes being a loner, even if there isn't much choice on the boy's part. Being alone, although sometimes a choice, can be unbearable. Especially when you're pretty much the end of your parents' bloodline. Sure, the name will live on, but as for the parents having any grandchildren, that won't ever happen. The boy made a committed decision to not have any offspring, but he wants to have a woman at his side who also doesn't want children!
Would you believe me when I say....
That boy is me.
