Some random thoughts about things related to ABDL

So, I'm having another lovely insomniac night.  And I have come to realize a few things.  Firstly, it really sucks to be poor as a Diaper Lover.  I mean, of course I want to have an ample supply, but by the time all of my monthly bills & expenses are paid (usually in the 1st week or two of the month), I've under $100 for the rest of the month.  Which means that, for the time being, I guess I'll have to restock my supply sometime after I start Fall semester!

Secondly, it really does suck that not only am I reliant on disability income exclusively, but I have nobody in my life in the intimate or romantic sense.  I won't say how much I get, because that's really no one's business but my own, and it only barely covers my rent, my auto insurance payment, my cell phone (which is my only phone at the moment), as well as medical supplies plus food & other toiletries that a guy needs including the expensive razors for shaving (Gillette Mach3, disposable razors cut me awfully).  As for my specific disabilities, that is between my doctor & myself, but I do have many of them including lower back pain & vision impairments.  Yes, plenty of people have some type of vision impairment & do drive a vehicle.  Thankfully, though, no "commercial" driving for this guy!  That's not just by order of the judge in my disability case, but also by choice.  However, it's because of those disabilities that I must take multiple medications.  

At least one of my disabilities includes nerve damage which causes severe pain equivalent to or greater than migraines, and that kind of pain is only relieved by use of strong prescription painkillers.  Since I take many different medications for multiple health & medical problems, I've had a number of true-blue "accidents" resulting in washing clothes in the middle of the night.  If I were not a "diaper lover" to help keep my remaining clean underwear safe from the dreaded breach of the "rear guard", I would feel defeated and/or humiliated to wear adult diapers of any type.  I can't begin to count how many times I've been awakened by a sour feeling in my stomach, then BAM!  Without any warning, I have a messy accident.  It's not fun to realize that you've had an accident, despite the childhood "potty training" lessons that varied from a firm talking to all the way to severe spankings.  Sometimes, I think I just have to fart, but it ends up being NOT a fart.  

If I weren't a "diaper lover", or had recurring diaper fetish fantasies of gorgeous women lesbian couples wearing adult diapers together (whether for need or for fun, or both, but I never imagine myself in said fantasies) as long as they're 18yrs or older (no jailbait underage minors, EVER!), then having "accidents" would be most upsetting!!  

So, I say this with confidence to everyone who is either in the ABDL community, the ABDL world as it were, to be glad about being either an Adult Baby (the "AB" in #ABDL) or a Diaper Lover (DL), or in some cases both types.  There may come a time when you or someone you know, maybe even your life partner, may actually need to wear adult diapers for a legitimate need.

I admit that this is why I don't want to actively seek intimacy w/ women, dare I say a romantic relationship w/ my future "Ms. Right"!  The thought of having a girlfriend, a woman who is repulsed by both my diaper fetish diaper lover thing, but also having the occasional need to wear adult diapers is often what keeps me from seeking to achieve my goal of having an intimate partner, or even further, a romantic love & life partner.

I could also be forever hesitant because I've never had some of the normal life milestones, i.e. kissing a girl/woman (or being kissed), holding hands with a woman, going out on a date with a woman, having sex for the first time, that sort of thing.  I feel like I've missed out on such things!  Hopefully, someday soon, I'll find my Ms. Right who understands both when I "need" adult diapers, & when I just want them as a "security blanket" for my butt and my private areas.  Maybe someday, my future Ms Right may want to participate with me in wearing adult diapers for fun.  Having her be occasionally playful would be so awesome, 

I admit that I'm not a "dominant" type man, and I'm neither a submissive one.  So, being some woman's "ABDL Daddy" will never be in my future with my future Ms. Right, but I also don't wish to have an ABDL Mommy, either.  No, I'd want a potential prospective intimate and/or romantic female companion (i.e. future girlfriend) to be my equal in a relationship.  

Again, I don't wish to divulge details that could identify me specifically, but let me just say this much.  I don't want to be an alcoholic drug addict abusive husband, potential "daddy" to possible children, in any capacity in any kind of relationship with a woman.  Besides, if her or myself do or say something bad, especially to one another, we ought to be punished.  Not playfully spanked, I mean punishment spanking.  No one should be allowed to be physically, emotionally, mentally, or verbally abusive to the point where the other person, their victim, is contemplating on harming themselves, or others, out of desperation or fear.

Perhaps I'm overly cautious.  Maybe that's a good thing.  It's a mental health defense mechanism that helps protect me, as well as others, to make sure I don't get taken advantage of, and that I don't take advantage of others.  That isn't who I am.  That'll never be who I am.  What I truly am is a man who has sensitivities, as well as highly introverted, somewhat insecure about his sexuality, but not about his gender.  I'm a firm believer in marriage equality for the LGBTQ community, but also a firm believer that not everyone is well-suited for marriage, and I'm one of them.  I'm also in the belief that for every person out there, regardless of their sexuality (homosexual, heterosexual, etc), there is also someone else that thinks like them and compliments their personality.  Not necessarily "opposites attract" philosophy, but certainly someone who helps their true soulmate bring out the best in both themselves, and each other.  Also help to calm the worst parts of each other.  That's my philosophy on the matter.

Someday, for me, I'll find a woman who is right for me.  Not one who uses man-bashing to get her way, or uses misandrist comments to make men like me feel bad because of the actions of other men who are more than "secure" about their sexuality, but revel in it, even relish their sexual conquests.  One of my former friends would glorify his sexual encounters with many girls from high school, especially from other rival schools.  My brother would detail his sexual encounters as a gay man, and were equally disturbing.  This is why I don't want to sexualize a relationship with any woman I end up being lucky to have in my life.  I hope, that in some way, I will be seen as different, but in a way that's good.  As opposed to men like that former friend, or my older brother, who seem to enjoy seeing women (or in my bro's case, men) as sexual things.  

Because of both those men in my life, I can't have a fully functioning sexual relationship as a heterosexual, but also I can't be a gay man.  Not because someone thinks I'm anti-LGBTQ or anti-conservative, but because those two men have virtually ruined sexuality for me.  I have neither a need nor a desire to have sex.  Ever!

As for my deal with being a diaper lover, not an adult baby (AB), that is sometimes a desire, but sometimes a need as well.  Someday, I'll find that Ms. Right who understands all of this, and still wants to be my companion in life.  To help me stay at ease with myself.  Today's political climate with regard to sexuality, with marriage, with anything related to either, makes me feel uncomfortable to talk to anyone in a frank and candid manner about my DL side.  I've often thought about talking to my therapist about my diaper lover fetish, especially now that my mother no longer sees the same therapist.  I want to be reassured that my love of wearing diapers won't be an issue of contention or debate.  It's not just part of who I am, it's been what I am for more than 30 years, and sexuality has nothing to do with it.  Or at least, it didn't until I got to age 12 and developed feelings for a few girls at that age that I later regretted.

Maybe I'm just not being open enough, or maybe being too open on this nom de plume.  Maybe it's because I'm not a dominant type or confident man due to multiple health and medical problems.  Maybe I'm just not interested in being challenged, or challenging others to such an extent.  Who knows?  The point is, I just want what everyone seems to have by default.  A companion of some kind.  Not a sexual partner.  Just someone who is asexual like me.  Asexual meaning having no interest in sexual intercourse.  And that is... okay!  It's okay to not want sex.  It doesn't make someone gay or a "queer".  Just different to society, and society rarely likes "different" people for some strange reason.