If only my Ms. Right girlfriend existed in real life

There are days I begin to wonder if my dream woman, my hypothetical future "Ms. Right" girlfriend (w/ the lease option of becoming my future wife) is really out there somewhere.  Does she even exist?  Or does she only exist in my mind?

Though, I digress...

So far, this past week I have spilled a drink or had a potty accident nearly every day.  Thank goodness that I enjoy wearing diapers for the latter, the potty accidents.  Otherwise, my depression would be super worse.

I swear if I spill another (non-alcoholic) drink, I'm gonna fucking scream.  It's when I do clumsy shit that I wish I had a Ms. Right girlfriend in my life who'd make sure my butt gets properly smacked for accidents, both with spilled (non-alcoholic) drinks & with accidents in my diapers.

*sigh*  Sometimes I think I have always been destined to be the loner guy despite my wish to have that special woman in my life who would not only be my caregiver, but also would let me be hers too.  

I've never been in any sort of committed relationship with any one woman, much less any women at all.  I'm attracted to women, just not sexually.  I consider myself asexual.  Do I have sexual urges?  Sure.  That is what masturbation is for.  Besides, I wouldn't want to run the risk of impregnation women.  My goal has been to make sure my dad's bloodline DOES NOT live on.  Sure, my family name may live on for generations, but as long as I breathe there will never will never be a "junior" or a daughter from my DNA.  Though I wouldn't be opposed to adoption.

But because of my diaper lover/ABDL side, I think having children would be awkward.

I just want a Ms. Right that I could cuddle with, and watch our favorite movies & TV shows, i.e. Star Trek, Star Wars, Stargate, etc.  Or play video games.  Or even have her and I play on my piano and/or guitar together.  Maybe she can teach me to play either one.  Maybe even incorporate punishment spankings when I don't practice like I should.  

Or punishment spankings for not doing my housechores, or doing my physical therapy exercises.  Or just having a potty mouth (more than usual).

I would like to think I could do the same for her, but after having an abusive environment growing up with a father who was highly abusive toward myself, my older brother, and/or my mother, I swore I'd never do that to any future "Ms. Right" girlfriend or wife.  So, imagine the hypothetical girlfriend/wife telling me it's okay if I give her a spanking, and I get tensed up just thinking about it.  I don't dare touch women for fear of being accused of anything similar to my late father.  The last thing I want to do, EVER, is be just like that asshole.

The worst part is that I've never been able to imagine myself with a woman.  Every time I've tried, my mind just shuts down.  Like my mind forbids me from imagining a kind of happiness that I've only ever seen in movies, but for myself.  And for her.  I just can't picture it.  This is why whenever I've let my imagination run wild when I masturbate, it's always of lesbian couples.  Always in their diapers, always giving each other spankings, because for some reason my mind won't let me imagine myself with those women doing those things.  

To be honest, I fear the day that while with my future Ms. Right, that I do end up like my late dad, and if I hurt her, I'd feel unbelievably awful.  I would gladly accept a very harsh punishment spanking from her if I ever even came half way close to being as abusive to her as my late father was to my mother.

But I admit, I feel like I should get spanked anyway from my future (albeit hypothetical) Ms. Right girlfriend/wife for many things I do and don't do now.  Maybe I just need to put myself out there, though it is hard to take risks knowing that there are some pretty psycho people (men and women a-like) out there.

I hope she's out there.  I hope 🙏 I will meet her soon!