A Simple Mission

The Search for the mythical Diaper Lover Ms. Right Mission!

I'm on a hunt!  My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find a woman who would be my Diaper Lover Ms. Right!  A DL soulmate, if you will, to share my diapered life with.  A woman at my side who, while wearing adult diapers herself, wants to make sure not only am I diapered up nearly 24/7, but that she'd do everything she can to make me comfortable, and allow me to do the same for her within my limitations.  

She'd know all of my secrets, including both my diaper lover side of my life as well as my desire (& my need) to be spanked when appropriate, but especially if I've done something stupid or wrong.  As in, she'd whoop my ass with my own belt if I did something awful like offend her terribly, or hurt her in some way (hopefully this'll never happen since I've renounced my late father's ways including how he mistreated my mother repeatedly with abusive behavior mostly intoxicated by drugs & alcohol) whether emotionally, physically, or any combination of those & other types of abuse.  Also, she'd be giving me a spanking for not doing something she asked me to do, or that I didn't do my house chores, or failed in doing my own daily living routines.  

Having Accidents

It wouldn't be so bad if my accidents were when I'm wearing my diapers. Unfortunately, they always seem to happen when I'm wearing my pullups, & then I have to race to my bathroom to avoid accidents. Putting my walking boot on 1st to walk. Sometimes I don't make it on time!

I have to admit that I often wish this mythical girlfriend/wife #DiaperLover #MsRight would be part of my life, just without the sexual component. There's lots we could do together without being sexually active. Besides, no one needs a little Firechicken jr. running around in the world!

But I'd be happy to change her, spank her if she's been naughty, but also let her reciprocate those things to me when I need them. Especially the spankings. Lord only knows that I may require some "motivational" disciplinary punishment, i.e. getting spanked w/ my own belt!

Still, it would be a treat just to have the mythical diaper lover Ms. Right girlfriend/wife that I'd get to see diapered up, and having issues with "accidents" like myself.  Like legit she has accidents for any number of reasons, but also loves to wear diapers for fun.  I have to believe she's out there just waiting for someone like me to be part of her life, and that she wants to be part of a man's life like my own.  

There's an old saying that for every person in this world, there is a complimentary individual who is just right for them, somewhere out there waiting to be found, or that they're looking for us.  It's just that sometimes we settle for someone who may not be suitable to our individual needs & desires.

Maybe this is why I've always felt like I don't belong anywhere.  I'm an oddball for sure.  I'm blind in one eye, I've got multiple disabilities & medical/health problems.  I don't with people very much due to being a social introvert.  I don't like "small talk", and I don't enjoy crowds, parties, or being the spotlight of attention.  All I've ever wanted was to get through this life with as little pain as possible, but I've secretly desired to have a girlfriend/wife in my world.  Someone who enjoys much of the same things I enjoy.  But particularly likes wearing diapers, sees the practicality of wearing them, as well as understands that wearing diapers can be a sign of strength rather than a weakness, seeing them as an advantage rather than a disadvantage.  A woman who appreciates that diapers can be a way to provide herself (& myself as well) comfort, as well as peace of mind knowing that if either of us has a potty emergency turned accident while in adult diapers, that it's NOT the end of the world, and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.  Because the term "shit happens" applies, and potty accidents are no exception.  It's simply a fact of life that everyone at some point will have a potty emergency/accident.  Doesn't mean there's something wrong necessarily.  But diapers do have one advantage in that they are produced to help us protect our clothes and bedding in the event we are unable to control our bladders and/or bowels.

And that's okay!  That's why diapers are made in the first place.  I just hope that my search will not be pointless.  I admit that I may have to learn to be more vulnerable when meeting a woman I find attractive physically, emotionally, intellectually, as well as her personality.  I have to learn to recognize the cues she gives off to indicate that she may have interest, i.e. being flirty and not just being courteous as part of her job.  

I have to learn that if I want to find my mythical girlfriend/wife diaper lover, I have to start being more open, more approachable, and be able to approach a woman that I feel could be worthwhile to engage in a pleasant conversation about... well a range of topics I enjoy.

First off, I'm a hardcore science & science fiction nerd.  I find intelligence to be fucking sexy, but not quite as sexy as women who wear diapers.  But I digress.  I enjoy things like reading, writing, playing music both on my headphones as well as tinkering with my piano keyboard, playing video games (especially RPG puzzle type games) watching movies/TV especially Star Trek & Star Wars, fixing things like electronics and computer systems, and yes wearing my diapers too.  

Talk to me about when I owned a 1996 Pontiac Firebird (that's where "F1r3ch1ck3n"/Firechicken comes from).  Talk to me about when I met my late cousin's two beautiful and lovely young daughter(s).  Talk to me about looking up at the night sky wondering when deep space travel will be a thing.  Talk to me about my geek stuff, being nerdy, or how I like to learn multiple languages.  Talk to me about learning to play piano, guitar, the drums, etc.

Talk to me about my favorite music & musicians.  Ask me about what my dreams are, both the secret ones that I have not told anybody else in my family as well as the more impossible fantasy ones.  Remember, I never fantasize about having sex with women.  Just fantasies about women who wear diapers, but never dream about me being with women in general.  It's something I've struggled all of my life to do.  I'm attracted to women, being heterosexual, but I have just never been able to picture myself being in a woman's life, & her being in mine.  I was told that to do so is bad, and that any attempt to visualize a fictional woman being with me is being inappropriate.  I don't know why, but because of that maybe that's why I can't.  The moment I do, my mind just shuts down the fantasy, like it says "You're not allowed to have that fantasy!!  Ever!"

But someday, I hope to meet the woman who changes that.  A woman who I not only fall in love with, but that I can fantasize about being with her, and being diapered up alongside her being diapered up.  And we do things together while we're both diapered up.  Maybe even fantasize that we hire a nanny who makes sure we both get spankings when we deserve it!

All I know is that I'd trade almost any of my possessions as well as my knowledge to know what it's like to be part of an attractive diapered up woman's life.  Holding her hand.  Cuddling with her.  Going out to dinner or having date nights with her.  Meeting her friends and family, and her meeting mine.  We get a house together, and we make one room a diaper room.  

And we play video games together, write and play music together either on piano, guitar, the drums, or a combination of the three.  And our nanny gives us "motivational" spankings.  And we go to bed & sleep together while in our diapers after given medicine to make sure we have messy accidents by morning.

I sure hope I find this mythical diaper lover girlfriend/wife.  And soon.  I'm 40 years old, still happily a virgin man.  And I hope I someday find this mythological woman who I want to have a romantic and intimate relationship with.  All while we wear diapers together at home, and when we go on dates together.

I can only hope that someday comes soon that I meet this diaper lover Ms. Right.  And that we live a diapered happily ever after! 👍🏻😎👍🏻

To put a diaper on ... or not! That is the question!

Today marks post-op day 8 since my ankle surgery last week.  I've been staying with a family member whose plans to move out of state had to be put on hold due to the Coronavirus scare.  It hasn't been easy for them or for myself, for that matter.

First, let me say that although this person and myself had our disagreements during my time as their caregiver before moving into my own place only in the past few recent years, I've come to rely on that person's parental experience.  They've known my medical & health history including the dozens of surgeries on my left blind eye from birth, so they know what to say and to ask when at the doctor's office appointment.  Sometimes, though, I feel like they're trying to over-parent me, and the situation, too much.  While I'm an adult 40 year old man!  Disabled yes, but a grown man nonetheless!

Though I love this person greatly, as anyone would expect, I desire to be back in my own apartment once my doctor takes out the post-op stitches, and places my foot in a walking boot.  Until then, my doctor and my physical therapist want to keep me at my family member's home until then pending an assessment in which determines how much of a risk my own home will be.

I admit, however, I almost slapped my family member silly for using the term "hoarding situation" when it came to describing my living situation.  Yes, my apartment is a little messy.  Often cluttered, even.  But I've never been a "hoarder", since I've seen hoarders on TV specials, and what I have is no where near what my family member wants to believe ME to be!  I asked my family member, "Are you trying to get me kicked out of my apartment on purpose while knowing you're exaggerating my living situation?"

They laughed it off saying they used the wrong term, but I've known this person all of my life, and they do tend to distort the truth as well as exaggerate & embellish the truth to fit their agenda.  

In 2017, while trying to get a grip on being sick almost daily, I was having frequent accidents that required me to start wearing my diapers a bit more often. The following year, I was introduced to some medication for prevention of my migraine headaches, but the cost was having severe constipation.  As a result, I had to down a shot of Milk of Magnesia every night, wearing my diapers nightly, to not only counteract the constipation side effect, but also to avoid having a very messy accident in my bed which has already happened once.

But despite those problems in 2017 and 2018, while I love my family member wholeheartedly, I find that I still have strong desires to continue wearing my adult diapers while I stay with my family member.  I made it a rule that I wouldn't wear my diapers if I'm around family, especially my younger cousins.  But because of my ankle injury and subsequent surgical procedure to repair the ankle, I've found that making it to the bathroom on time is quite difficult.  I'm wearing my Depend pullups, but they don't always stop the threat of a messy accident, and that kind of accident is embarrassing, to say the least.  I'd rather be wearing my Depend Maximum Protection briefs with tabs aka adult diapers than wear the pullups.  Wearing diapers just feels more secure, more comfortable, & saves my ass better than pullups.

But that's not only why I made this post.  Recently, even before my ankle injury & surgery, I have begun to explore the possibility of a romantic & maybe even intimate relationship with a lady.  A woman who might understand why I wear diapers both for fun & for need.  Maybe even become so involved with that Ms. Right woman that they become a de facto caregiver for me, and I for them.  I want to believe that it's possible.  That I can find someone that takes my breath away, and maybe even while she wears a diaper during our first date.  Wouldn't that be just excellent luck?  I would think that I could only be so lucky to have that happen.

Only until recent weeks have I given myself permission to fantasize about what my life would be like having a caregiver girlfriend/wife alongside me.  A woman who also wears adult diapers for both fun, and maybe having minor necessity.  Some woman who can appreciate what wearing adult diapers can do for someone's peace of mind especially when avoiding potty accidents.  I would agree that such fantasies would possibly make the real deal not as delightful, and I accept that fantasy isn't reality, and vice-versa.  I just want a relationship built on some core principles & values:

• Honesty

• Integrity

• Fairness

• Equality

• Partnership

• Love (especially this)

• Earning Respect ☆

• Earning Trust ☆

• Helpfulness especially

Every one of those are achievable.  Each one will be challenging to find in a potential partner.  I want to believe that such a woman "Ms. Right" exists out there in this world.  Perhaps she is my female version of Philip J. Fry, and I'm her male version of Leela (both from the canceled TV series "Futurama")!

I've often tried to imagine how my life would be different if I were romantically and intimately involved with a woman that also wore diapers, but the moment I try, my mind wants to shut down its own movie production of "My Life In Diapers with Women Wearing Diapers Too".  Corny title, yes.  But imagining being in a loving, healthy relationship with a woman is extraordinarily hard considering I've never been in a relationship to start.  I've also never been out on a 1st date, not even had my first kiss, or even held hands with a girl/woman that I fell in love with.

Sometimes, I feel like if I could trade in every last bit of knowledge concerning electronics, technology, computers, my love of Star Trek & Star Wars, etc, to know what it's like to be in real love.  The kind of love that makes you want to cross through the underbelly depths of Hell itself, calling Satan a fucking pussy, just to see your love partner smile.  That kind of love.  

Though my heart has ached for a real, passionate "falling in love" with a Ms. Right woman for over 20+ years, my mind says it's just not feasible.  That no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I wish, it just won't ever come true.  I'd give the left testicle of EVERY OTHER MALE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY/CLAN in exchange to have for real a woman that not only understands me, but also would be wearing adult diapers right alongside me, especially when I have potty accidents that require my diaper to be changed.

That's another thing that I want to address.  One of the things I swore I'd never do since my AOL days was to go into a chatroom and type in "Where are all the chicks?", i.e. doing the Alpha Male bit.  Or saying to a woman on any social media platform, "Would you change me?" Or some other shit that is similar.

I'm highly annoyed by the common misconception by women everywhere who believe "all men are the same".  Unless you've met every 👏🏻 single 👏🏻 man 👏🏻 living on Earth, you can't say "all men" are anything.  You can, however, say things like "every man I've known" or "every man I've met in person", but NEVER say "all men [anything]", because you don't know ALL MEN.  Just like I don't know "all women".

I used to be friends with someone who very much believed he was an "Alpha Male" type guy, but when it became apparent how misogynistic & sexist he was, I slowly over time stopped talking to that friend as frequently as I once did during our days in high school together in Las Vegas, NV.

In fact, I don't enjoy having male friends like that anymore.  I prefer to have platonic women friends.  Women who won't say to me after a surgery to "toughen up, cupcake!" or my favorite [about how to get women to like me], "Just punch her in the face!"  Talk about some of the worst fucking advice ever!  I don't know how any woman would desire such an intolerant, bigoted man, but he has been married (and divorced) before he hit 30, while I have remained unmarried, single, & never been in a romantic, intimate or even sexual relationship with any woman.  Mostly involuntary, but also out of choice due to my desire to not carry on my father's bloodline.

But I would give anything to know how it feels to have a woman in my life who not only wears diapers for both fun & necessity, but also is in love with me dearly, and I'm in awesome love with her as well, and we both care about as well as care for each other.  And that there is an understanding between us that we give each other space when appropriate.

Hell, sleeping in the same bed would take some getting used to, but if it means having someone there to greet me in the morning with diaper changing for each other, I'd be willing to cross any bridge, fight any foe with my katana blade in hand, and climb any hill to have that kind of life.

Is it even possible at 40-ish years old?  Has my window of opportunity opened & closed long ago?  Do I even have a chance in actual fucking Hell to have any bit of that sort of life?

I have to believe that it's still possible for me to meet my diaper lover Ms. Right!  I have to believe she's out there waiting for her own diaper lover "Mr. Right" in which that person for her is myself.  I hope I meet her soon!  I hope I not only meet her soon, but that we begin our diaper lover relationship together almost immediately, and we are going to have a true blue "happily diapered ever after"!

I want to be able to say that aloud, "Happily Diapered Together Ever After"! 😊❤🤗👍🏻😎👍🏻🖖🏻LLAP

what other people have

I know this may sound selfish, but I wish only to experience what others in my family & friends have in their own lives.  Having a significant other.  Somebody to talk to, have clean fun times with like watching or going to movies & concerts with them, to hold hands with them, to be intimate with them.  Someone I can feel comfortable with when wearing my adult diapers.  No, I'm not into the whole "adult baby" thing, but I am into the whole being intimate with a woman, having pretty much zero sexual intercourse with her because I know what is the result afterward.  Is it really that much to ask in life?

Picture this, a disabled boy with blindness in one of his eyes meets a young lady that periodically helps him cope with the daily struggles of battling bullies at school, but she has no clue that he struggles with bullies at home as well.  From his (now late) father, and his older brother.  And to some extent his own mother saying to him "You shouldn't be bedwetting at 10 years old.  I have a 4 yr old niece who is potty trained, and DOESN'T wet the bed at all!  Ever!"

She also says to her 10 yr old son, "You're the only child at your age who is still wetting the bed!"  It wouldn't be until many years, decades later that he would find out the truth.  That not only did she lie to him about being the only child who bedwets at 10 years old, but that there are potentially millions of kids who later became adults that had bedwetting problems way into their teens.  She was essentially trying to bully him, even emotionally abuse him as though he was the only child ever to have the problems he had.  Bedwetting, behavior issues including possible mental health problems, being "disrespectful" to his parents (despite the fact that EVERY child in existence does this at some point), etc!

At 12 years old, after a summer in which he nearly committed suicide as a result of being harassed both at school and at home, he would meet a very lovely young lady.  For her protection, we'll use the name "Janette".  He wasn't particularly fond of Janette at first.  It took most of the school year for him to become friends with her, and when he found out that he could trust her, he fell in love with her.

Before I continue, a couple of things I'd like to point out.  One, he met another young girl in his 3rd grade class that he also had feelings for.  They exchanged drawings of each other, including one in which they held hands.  This young boy would inevitably lose those pictures due to having to move away with his family, and he would never see her again.  Just like any other of his friends that he connected with, only to be taken away from them, and never see them again.  The boy would learn not to get any sort of feelings for anyone, and Janette would be another in a long line of female friends that this young boy would try to connect with, but never make the leap to finding out if the female friends "Like Like"'d him back.  In fact, he would inevitably miss an important milestone in a young boy's life that gets him onto the cusp of manhood.

When this boy decided he liked this girl, he wanted so much to tell her, but he couldn't.  She was quite popular, and he was rather unpopular at best.  There came a day when the boy got socked in the gut by a classmate as part of a "game" that instantly got out of hand, and in plain view of an adult playground "monitor"!  He had swore curses & was cussing out everyone within earshot when he finally got his literal second wind.

He ran to the fence near his 6th grade classroom where he curled up in a ball, and cried hoping for someone to take him away to someplace he would be safe from bullies at school, and the bullies at home.  A place where he wouldn't be harmed ever again.

No such thing happened as his classmates went on inside after the recess bell had rung.  He only could watch their feet marching in.  Some of the shoes on their feet he recognized, but he didn't care to look up at anyone.  He felt angry, ashamed, harassed, assaulted, even violated.

Some time after the bell, the young girl he had developed feelings for had come out to join him.  Whether this was on her own, or at the request of their mutual 6th grade teacher/instructor at their Costa Mesa elementary school, he didn't know.  But he was glad it was her.  After talking with her for close to a half hour, he felt better, and soon a few other classmates joined in, and instantly this boy felt a lot better.

When he did go in, his instructor (we'll call her "Mrs. Lebben"), advised him to give her a letter he'd written to point out the frustration he felt, and how it was making him feel angry all the time.  She wanted him to leave the class while she read it aloud.  The boy did so, but after a little while, he became anxious about it.  So, he returned, but at the tail end when the class was discussing why Janette was the one the boy turned to for help.  Mrs. Lebben explained that the boy felt more comfortable around Janette, and felt he could trust her.

Little did anyone know that the boy felt extreme shame when they mentioned her being the one he turned to.

Later, the class would take a trip to San Diego to go to Sea World.  At their arrival, Janette offered to take the boy with herself & several other girls to "protect" him.  He gladly went with them, but made it a point not to try to touch Janette out of fear she'd reject him.  He wanted to, but every time he'd work up the nerve to ask her if it would be okay if he held hands with her, one of the chaperones would come into view, and he felt instantly ashamed for wanting to ask her to hold hands with him.

When they were to leave via Amtrak train, the entire class was offered a meal of their choice for the 2 hour ride home.  The boy in this story chose his favorite.  Pizza!  And it was from his favorite chain, Pizza Hut.

When they all were getting settled in, the boy tried asking the young lady Janette if she would care to sit next to him.  She politely declined, but he was still wanting to give her a small gift to show he appreciated her help during his difficult year in 6th grade, and that he also had developed feelings for her.

Let me back up a ways.  This young boy never got "the talk".  No, not about sex.  He got the standard California required sex ed class during that year.  He knew the mechanics of the whole process of sex, but what he lacked was an understanding of how to have a social life with boys his age as well as having social skills with girls/women.  The only education he got about girls/women came from his female cousins whom he preferred to hang out with versus his older brother and/or his male cousins of the family, whom were also both bullies & highly abusive to the boy who had blindness & other disabilities that went undiagnosed for a long period of time!

So, when it came to talking to both this young girl in 6th grade, and the one in 3rd grade, he had no frame of reference.  His mother kept reiterating "You're just like your dad!", and had meant in a bad / negative way!

After this great trip to Sea World, their class came to an end on June 15th, 1992.  That same evening, after the formal "graduation ceremony", the classmates were all invited to an informal party at a mutual classmate's home.  It was there this boy got his chance to have a dance with "her", with Janette.

He wanted that feeling to last a lifetime.  Unfortunately, a rather large fellow classmate felt the need to pull the male classmates hands down to their female counterpart dance mate's butt.  The boy was highly annoyed at this, and the young woman was also highly irritated, but she didn't blame this young boy who was blind that was dancing with her.

He never forgot that night.  Nor did he forget her.  In fact, for many years afterward, he would try to get his family to go back to California, so that he could further develop that friendship into something more romantic & intimate.  He never got the chance to do that.  As a consolation prize, he did get to see her again in person one last time on July 20th, 1994.  

Again, he would have given anything, even his father's and/or brother's both testicles, to have that meeting with Janette to last longer than an hour.  And it was just like his mother to have inconvenient timing to arrive shortly before the end of that hour with Janette.  Especially when the boy was ready to ask two things of her as his mother showed up.  One was to ask her for a kiss.  The other was to "punish" him for having been in a couple of fights that he swore never to do again as part of his unspoken promise to Janette.

Once again, he never got a chance to ask for either of those.  To be honest, the 2nd favor he wouldn't have asked unless he felt comfortable in asking it.  Ideally, he would have liked to have stayed longer in California for him & Janette to have a get-together with mutual friends, and maybe then open up to her finally.  He felt ashamed he had these feelings for her, but couldn't act on them even if he wanted to.  It was mostly because he was afraid to anger her, but it was also because nobody in his family told him how to interact with girls/women.

Fast forward almost 30 years, and not much has changed.  The boy who had blindness and other disabilities still has not yet found a way to be a "ladies man".  He still doesn't know how to properly court a woman's feelings.  However, he also doesn't want anyone having pity for him either.  What he wants is simple.  To have a young woman who 1) not only doesn't mind that he wears adult diapers for both pleasure & for need, but also likes & needs to wear them herself, 2) will help him when he isn't feeling well, but also wants him to help her with the same, 3) can help him stand up to his mother, the maternal bully who doesn't seem to want him to have girlfriends, except the ones she approves, and also 4) will keep him on track with his life, i.e. his music lessons on guitar & piano, his foreign language lessons, his writing, and all else that he likes to do to encourage his creative side.

Nobody likes being a loner, even if there isn't much choice on the boy's part.  Being alone, although sometimes a choice, can be unbearable.  Especially when you're pretty much the end of your parents' bloodline.  Sure, the name will live on, but as for the parents having any grandchildren, that won't ever happen.  The boy made a committed decision to not have any offspring, but he wants to have a woman at his side who also doesn't want children!

Would you believe me when I say....

That boy is me.  

What dreams may come

So, some time ago, I had issues with my mental health after a suicide attempt.  I'm not going to get into details, but needless to say I had at least one counselor ask me (when I lived in Las Vegas, NV USA) the following:

"So, let's say you were successful in your attempt & died, and God asked you what you would want in regards to what would make you happy, what would it be?"

Of course, at the time, I couldn't answer.  Mostly because I didn't know how to answer in a way that would be understood by the counselors at the hospital at the time.  But over the last decade, I have come to think of a few possible ideas if I had died, or when I do die sometime in the future, decades from now (as anyone would hope).  For the record, I'm not religious, not even a Christian!

This is the overall beginning to each response!

I've died, and I meet with God who asks me (not using my real name):

"James T. Knight, I understand that you were never truly happy in your life.  I understand that there was a lot of pain, anguish, despair, and a lot of abuse & assault that happened in your life.  None of which I ever meant for you to go through.  You didn't deserve any of it!  

That being said, I offer the following.  If there's anything I can do to make things right, name it!  Nothing is off limits!"

Scenario #1

My response: 

"Well, I would like to live out one of a few of my fantasies.  The first being that I am saving the world from an evil parallel universe version of me & becoming an immortal!"

Of course, that wouldn't be a good one to ask for.  There's a measure of dangerous risk involved.  I'd have to be fairly trained, and in good physical condition.  So, that one is off the table.  For now.

Scenario #2

My response:

"I would love to relive a specific moment in time when I got dance with my 6th grade, and hopefully from then on live out a life in which I not only get to know her better, but become someone who remains an intimate and integral part of my life.  Maybe even develop a romantic relationship with her someday."

The only thing with that is it would be undoing her own life, which I'm sure is a fulfilling one with a loving husband, and children that she loves, and I wouldn't want to take that away from her.  If she's happy, then I'm content with her being happy with what life she's made for herself.

That brings me to:

Scenario #3

My response:

"I've been wanting, for the last several years, to find my own Ms. Right.  A woman who, like myself, likes wearing diapers but also sometimes wears them for necessity.  But I'd want her to be able to take care of herself without me if that is what she wants.  Don't get me wrong, if she were to ask for help, I'd gladly do so, but only upon her request.  I'd want for her to help take care of me when I don't feel well, but especially when I know I should be in my diapers, but I am either not feeling well or not wanting to make the effort to get myself into diapers.

Plus, it'd be nice if this Ms. Right were someone who'd make sure I was properly disciplined (spanked) if I would be unruly or misbehaving.  And that she too would gladly undergo being disciplined (spanked) if she needed it.  Ideally, we'd be equals in this manner.

I don't particularly believe in being a dominant or a submissive.  I'd just want for us to be equals to each other.  If she needs a spanking and a diaper change, then I will do so for her.  If I need a spanking and a diaper change, then she will provide that to me.

This would be, by far, the one thing that would.make me very happy.  If she happened to be like me having blindness in one eye (the left eye), but able to still drive, that would be even sweeter on the deal.  I could live with ALL OF THAT!

Diapers are awesome!

I'm very thankful that I'm a diaper lover.  In a way, I'm thankful for being a former bedwetter, otherwise wearing adult diapers as an adult man would feel awful, even embarrassing, humiliating, & I'd also feel ashamed for not being able to control my bowels/bladder very well!

Imagine being told at age 10, & your parents telling you that you're the ONE & ONLY 10yr old bedwetter in the entire world.  That was the kind of psychological abuse that went on in my family.  That emotional abuse that was meant to be humiliating!  Such things were just awful!  

Thankfully, because of those awful experiences, the awful pain of being a child at the cusp of being a teenager who was also a bedwetter, I have welcomed being a diaper lover, a sexual virgin, & an unmarried man not creeped out by women who enjoy wearing diapers as well!

To be honest, at age 12 I would've given just about anything to know that there were indeed female bedwetters who had also been forced to wear diapers like I had been a few times during my childhood.  I wouldn't find out that fact until I was in my mid-teens & had been "cured"!  When I got older, and into my teens, I was eager to find via AOL (or any other internet connection) some female (teen girls at the time, later adult women) former bedwetter ladies, maybe even find a few diaper lovers  who were similarly brought up to believe that they were the ONLY child in the world who had bedwetting issues.  Of course, I don't have many (non-sexual & otherwise) lady friends, and the ones that I do have (all non-sexual platonic ones) are probably not really into kinks, so I don't blurt out loud my personal kinks, i.e. being a diaper lover, wearing adult diapers for fun, etc.

But, ironically, as a result of being a bedwetter, I ended up experimenting at 17 yrs old with wearing adult diapers.  Turned out that it was an awesome experience to not be at the mercy of a nearby restroom/bathroom/toilet.  That if I had an "uh-oh", it's no big deal!

A favorite tale of mine about being a diaper lover was when I had just started wearing adult diapers which in the true event tale was one of those "Uh-oh" moments.  I had just gotten a sample pack from HDIS, but I was concerned about the parental unit that I was living with at the time, during my senior year of high school in 1998 in Las Vegas, NV.  Pretty sure it was between my various surgeries, but before my graduation ceremony.  

It was on a typical Friday evening, and as usual no date, no girlfriend, not one thing I was interested in doing, but again, I just had surgery.  Between all of the pain medications, I was almost always not feeling well.  So, I had put one of the sample adult diapers that night, but I was unfamiliar with how to put them on, so I admittedly had to look up instructions on how to do for myself.  I had ZERO training in diaper duties, because I had zero experience dealing with babysitting duties.

After I was successful putting on my first adult diaper, I took one of my pain medications, and off to sleep I went.  The next morning, I had awakened to a sour tummy ache.  I thought I just had to fart, but it turned out to be one of those "Uh-oh" moments.  At first, I was terrified, having just shit myself while in bed.  Then I had realized that I had an adult diaper on, which protected my bed.  

Moments later, the 1/2 of the parental couple that had recently been divorced came bursting through my bedroom door having barely knocked at all.  I could've been fucking masturbating, but it would've made no difference to this parent.  She came in worried about me going to school that day.  "C'mon, you'll be late for school!", she exclaimed like I had completely forgotten about school.

I had to first calm down after being unduly alarmed, and then I told her in the nicest way possible, "Mom, it's a Saturday.  Since when does anybody go to school on a Saturday?"  She actually had to pause for that one, and actually think about it.  Then she said, "Oh, yeah I forgot that it was Saturday."

She immediately closed the door, and I went back to sleep, but I couldn't knowing that my adult diaper had a small mess in the rear.  And by small, I mean it was barely a pooling of the brown kind at all.  But I had to wait until the parental unit left to go out with friends that morning.

Bottom line was I was happy to be in adult diapers.  Previously, I had issues with bedwetting prior to age 13, having accidents while going to grade school/elementary school up until I was in 4th grade, & got better at asking to go use the bathroom/restroom at school so I wouldn't have an "Uh-oh" moment!

Long story short, those unpleasant experiences, even the ones when I had been forced into diapers (baby diapers) when I was 7 or 8 years old paved the way to me being a tried & true diaper lover.  And although I'm still hesitant to reveal that to my friends, and 98% of my family, who are almost all religious & felt I was the demon child spawn of Satan/The Devil or even Lucifer, and didn't hold me in high regard to begin with.  I mean, at this point, it wouldn't matter if I told them, but being an aspiring musician makes me reconsider whom I tell this secret to.  

I'd much prefer it be to a female intimate relationship partner.  Someone who understands that this is fun for me, except when the adult diapers become sort of required wearing for reasons of using medication that makes me constipated, which forces me to use OTC medications to counteract it.  The result is having an Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Irritable Bowel Disease.

Still, though, if I didn't enjoy wearing the adult diapers beforehand, I'd feel fucking depressed & ashamed to have to wear them.  So, I'm grateful that I can not only tolerate wearing them, but take pleasure in using them when I need to, and have more pleasure wearing them when I don't need to.

I guess some things are true about the idea that our past, no matter how great or how awful, shape our adult life in the future.  I wonder what I'd be like if I hadn't been a bedwetter, or if I hadn't met certain individuals.  If we do nothing else as adults, we should be setting the example that adult diapers are nothing to be ashamed about.  "Accidents happen" should be our top phrase, because they do, & the only thing we can do is accept that bathroom accidents will inevitably happen, and when they do, we can either be prepared (w/ adult diapers), or having to chuck our big boy (or big girl) panties down the trash in public (I admit I've done this when I was little) & replace them with new batches of underwear!

Some things should not be "remade". Ever!

I don't know where to begin, but I guess I'll start with how things were when I was growing up.  Of course, that in itself could be a long and very drawn out story all its own, so I'll try to keep it as brief as I can.

Although I was born in the very late 1970's, much of my childhood was in the 1980's & the 1990's as well.  During that time, because I was born with certain congenital problems, I had problems with school bullying/harassment on top of having to go to doctor's offices, having them perform tests & procedures, often going to the OR (Operating Room) & the ER (Emergency Room).  On top of all this was being in a home environment full of abuse & assault not just on mine & my older brother's mother, but ourselves as well being at the mercy of an alcoholic, drug addict father.  When he was sober, we nicknamed him the "Disneyland Dad" Dr. Jeykll version.  When he was NOT sober, he became the nightmare version of "Mr. Hyde."

It became so bad that I had experienced many panic attacks as a child.  Now, some among my family relatives might argue that, as a a disabled child, I did things that could've been "deserving" of such treatment.  Most of this went beyond a simple "spanking", so no.  Nothing is ever deserving of treatment that borders or is outright abusive & would be considered assault in this day & age.  I often went to school wondering if I had scabs in my head from being struck so many times, but because at that time I had really thick hair, no one ever noticed me checking to see if there had been blood or bloody scabs.

Anyway, there were lucid moments in our family dynamic when we did get together and, in rare form, would actually coexist with each other having fun while as a real family.  Our only real "Family Time" was on Sunday evenings, particularly in the late 1980's.

 Last night (June 6th, 2019) I decided to get diapered up into my adult diapers for the evening despite my having a rather hectic day (again) today.  I began to watch the old TV series "Married With Children", and I came to realize just how awfully sexist it is, even misogynistic, and yet many of the showrunners" were female!  Who knew?  Maybe that was their idea all along to show men that watched the show that women are fed up with their sexist shit, or that women too had equally troublesome & undesirable traits.  Or both.  What I think happened was the opposite, but that is neither the point or the message I want to convey here.

I mean, this was one of two shows (the other one being "The Simpsons") that, while growing up, were the two TV series in which my immediate family unit (myself, the older sibling, my mom & dad) all watched together, and in the same room.  And the kicker?  We were not all trying to yell at each other, or worse, try to kill each other.  We may have been very dysfunctional, but I think that was why we identified so much of our quaint little family unit a lot! 

It was extraordinarily rare for any of us to miss an episode, because it was the full hour of television in which we were peacefully setting aside time to be with each other.  Like our "neutral zone" as it were.  Though now that I have been watching the series MWC as an adult, I find Al Bundy to be as much an unnecessary asshole as Peggy Bundy is an unnecessary antagonist & anti-"all men who resembled Al Bundy" like their mutual nosy neighbor, Marcy Rhodes Darcy.  When I watch it, I see it as the pure garbage negative television that it is, worse than Jerry Springer.  Though Maybe it was a necessary look into how families across the country who were either low middle class, poor, etc really behaved not just to each other, but to the people around them and in the community.  Maybe the days of "Leave it to Beaver" & "Father Knows Best" were just totally snowing us (blowing up bullshit into our minds) to believe that "perfect families" existed, when we know now that there is no such thing as a "perfect family", and never has been.

When someone says how they liked the days when children respected their parents, either through intimidation, or through fear of "God", ask them how that went in their home.  When they say "All I needed was my butt whooped, and I acted straight (good)!", ask them if that was REALLY how it was.  Because as much as I am well behaved now, I don't credit it to the alcoholism, the substance abuse, on the part of my late father who seemed to believe in much the same philosophy.  I don't believe in the idea of "parenting with an `Iron Rule' kind of approach", but I also don't believe in the idea to do "parenting w/ a "hands off" approach" either.  There has to be a right balance, coupled with patience, understanding, and realizing that just because your parents whooped your ass, sometimes harshly, doesn't mean it's appropriate in this day & age.  If ever while you've "spanked" your child, that your hand goes from open hand to a closed fist, or that you go into a rage-filled anger toward something minor your kid did, you've just crossed the line from being disciplinarian to "abusive parent". 

Anyway, thankfully when I am diapered up, watching crappy shows like MWC don't bother me as much anymore.  I occasionally wish that we were a better behaved family unit dynamic.  The TV series MWC & the other dysfunctional family, "The Simpsons" made our world (among countless others) sitcom'ed television.  Sometimes, we felt like someone took our family's social dynamic while incognito, and made it into one of the longest running sitcoms in television.  But it wasn't the greatest sitcom ever!  As I said, I see it for what it is now.  It's fucking garbage!!

In every measurable sense, MWC is as much garbage TV as say MTV's "16 & Pregnant" or any other supposed "Reality TV" genre of our day (and decades prior).  I'd put it up there with the likes of "Jerry Springer", "Maury Povich", even "Dr. Phil".  But does that mean we need to regress back to "Leave it to Beaver", "The Patty Duke Show", "Mr. Ed", etc?  No, I don't think going back is a good idea, but I don't think indulging in "reality television" is a good thing either.  What we need is something that, while promoting a more positive lifestyle in families of any dynamic, reminds us that there are challenges to being a complicated family.  That real shit does happen, and needs to be dealt with in a very real way, but with patience, understanding, compassion, and I don't know... maybe a little bit of restraint in how any of us respond.  Remember, kids learn more by body language than they do by any adult speaking to them about anything they say or do that is "off color" or a "potty mouth" situation.  The goal should be LEADING BY EXAMPLE!  Something I think we've often forgotten in the world of instant gratification, instant reactions but little action in substance, instant knee-jerk comments like "I was raised by the belt, and I turned out okay!" mentality.  Because a "one size fits all" disciplinary method is NOT always going to be the "cure" to poor manners, misbehaving children, poor attention spans, etc.

If you're not leading by example, and explaining why along the way, you're not teaching your kids shit!  If you can realize that one truth, maybe there's hope for us all!  Or so I hope!

With love,

Lt. Col. F1r3ch1ck3n 2019

The Disney film "Aladdin" live action vs. animated versions!

This morning's blog post is about the following tweet from Twitter:

Aladdin tweet (Remake live action film based on the original animated 1992 film of the same title!)

I'm a little biased towards the original 1992 animated film.   At the time, I had a crush on a young woman whom the character "Jasmine" reminded me of her.  A lot.  If things went differently in my life, I'm fairly certain she would've been "the one"!

By that, I mean "the one" who I'd have eventually opened up to about my struggles w/ bedwetting (until I was 13yrs old), my fantasies of wearing diapers & of women wearing diapers, etc.  Of course, it didn't happen like that, so I ended up being literally a 40yr old virgin!  Essentially, I have no doubt she would've been the one friend I would have admitted to in confidence about my ABDL (lean heavily towards being a "Diaper Lover") tendencies, resulting mainly from my years as a bedwetter. 

The memories that stick out most in my mind when I think of her from this movie's original 1992 animated version is how she was always warm, compassionate, wanting to help others any way she could, showing empathy & sympathy for other students & other people.  I remember one instance when, after I had the privilege & the honor to sit alongside this young lady who was my crush during that last year in grade school during lunch, we had our normal lunch recess time (play time).  After 30mins, the bell rang to go back to class, and I happen to witness a little girl, possibly a Kindergartner or 1st grade student in the same school, who fell after tripping on a tree root in the patch of grass next to the lunch tables.

She was crying hysterically, but not ONE person offered to help her up, or to get the school nurse, nothing.  Not even the playground monitors & faculty staff.  Until this young lady who was my main crush had seen that little girl crying, and walked up to her, knelt beside her, and tried to console her until a faculty member DID finally take notice.  It was that one instance of her showing empathy & graceful compassion with a soothing voice to help that little girl feel better, and that told me all I needed to know about that young lady, my crush. 

I wish sometimes I could reach out to that young lady, now of course probably married, has kids, etc, and let her know that is why I believe her to be the most kind & understanding young woman I know, even if our time at that school together was brief.  I want her to know that I respect her greatly for that one instance where I saw her helping others as much as she had helped me to cope with the bullying, my problems with an abusive home environment, and also having tons of medical problems from birth defects.  When I saw her doing the same thing for that little girl that she had done for me, I was extraordinary impressed. 

I was in awe of her showing kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy/sympathy, graceful friendliness, a good sense of humor, & genuinely wanted to help people.  If I ever have to do a tribute speech about anyone I feel is worthy of tribute, it would be her.  The young woman who, with her help, has shown me a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of what it's like to have someone care enough to want to help another person out of a kind of obligation to her fellow human being.  An obligation to be kind, to be empathetic, & showing that compassion isn't a lost art among the human race.

I wish only that, if she has kids (and I'm sure she probably does), she has taught them to have the same level of benevolence & humanity that she has shown me!  Taught them right from wrong, and that being an unnecessary asshat / assclown is NOT the goal.  That being hurtful is unacceptable behavior!!  Treating others badly, or being unsympathetic, un-empathetic, or otherwise being highly & inappropriately abusive to someone is also highly inappropriate behavior for anyone, anywhere.

But most of all, I wish for her to know that I remember that incident, and it forever changed my views of the human race.  That there are people in this world who believe in treating people w/ kindness, love, compassion, empathy/sympathy, & being helpful not hurtful!  Being of assistance, not being abusive!  It's because of her one act of compassion that I witnessed (she could've done much more, but that one with the little girl was what sticks in my mind) that helped reignite my interest in Star Trek, Star Wars, & the ideal that we should all be helping each other, rather than hurt ourselves & each other.  That acts of kindness, good deeds, good treatment of others are far more important than being affluent, being famous or a celebrity, or having any sort of high profile job or important title in any profession.  She's also the reason I want to be a musician!  To show people, to express my emotions & feelings about showing that same kindness to everyone is how we will survive this era in our world's history.

Emotional, physical, social, sexual, mental abuse is ALL bad!  Being the opposite of abusive should be the high goals of any one person. 

I know I'm repeating myself, but the film Aladdin reminds me of that young woman, & brings back those memories of that time in my life when I was becoming a teen, later a young adult, & not having the kind of normal life milestones that most people have due to multiple factors & reasons.

I want only to show people how much this young woman has impacted my life in a positive way.  To put on display how I felt during a tumultuous time in my life.  That is why music is so important to me!